For Those Who Have Suffered Molestation -This Is Your Voice
love and light to all my comrades in this war of stopping pedophile Molesters.
This is an article for all of you who have suffered molestation, for you who have suffered in silence.
I am writing this as your voice to tell the world how you feel.
I am telling those that you love what you went through.
I am your voice through my own experience.
Just a child.
For Those Who Have Suffered Molestation -This Is Your Voice
All I wanted was to scream to the world what was going on, but I couldn’t.
All I wanted was to tell someone what this person was doing to me, but I couldn't
All I wanted was to disappear so they could not see me, but I couldn’t
All I wanted was for someone to help me, but they couldn’t
When I say 7 years of molestation it sounds like such a long time, trust me it was, but it’s nothing compared to the life sentence you get with the fact that you have to live with these thoughts and memories for the rest of your life.
For Those Who Have Suffered Molestation -This Is Your Voice
All I wanted was to scream to the world what was going on, but I couldn’t.
All I wanted was to tell someone what this person was doing to me, but I couldn't
All I wanted was to disappear so they could not see me, but I couldn’t
All I wanted was for someone to help me, but they couldn’t
When I say 7 years of molestation it sounds like such a long time, trust me it was, but it’s nothing compared to the life sentence you get with the fact that you have to live with these thoughts and memories for the rest of your life.
My Childhood.
I lost my childhood,
I lost my sweet innocence
I lost the carefree thoughts of a child
I lost myself, somewhere, some place, I still wonder if I ever found her back.
I lost myself somewhere in those years of Molestation, I lost that little girl that was inside of me and instead it was replaced with something else, something numb, something empty, something broken.
It was replaced with darkness, sadness, pain, fear, guilt, hatred, and loneliness. I grew up alone, my thoughts were private, I exaggerated my laughter to hide the tears, my private mind was hurting so much, I felt like I was dying.
Everyday I felt like I was suffocating in the over whelming shame, I wondered if someday I would just stop breathing.
I survived.
I am older in my years now, lots older and everyday life still reminds me of what happened to me as a child. I have tried to forgive this man for what he did to me, simply for my own peace of mind, but forgive, I am still working on that, but forget I can never forget !
I am still filled with ONE question. This is a question I will never have an answer to….. WHY?
I lost my childhood,
I lost my sweet innocence
I lost the carefree thoughts of a child
I lost myself, somewhere, some place, I still wonder if I ever found her back.
I lost myself somewhere in those years of Molestation, I lost that little girl that was inside of me and instead it was replaced with something else, something numb, something empty, something broken.
It was replaced with darkness, sadness, pain, fear, guilt, hatred, and loneliness. I grew up alone, my thoughts were private, I exaggerated my laughter to hide the tears, my private mind was hurting so much, I felt like I was dying.
Everyday I felt like I was suffocating in the over whelming shame, I wondered if someday I would just stop breathing.
I survived.
I am older in my years now, lots older and everyday life still reminds me of what happened to me as a child. I have tried to forgive this man for what he did to me, simply for my own peace of mind, but forgive, I am still working on that, but forget I can never forget !
I am still filled with ONE question. This is a question I will never have an answer to….. WHY?
Why.
I was four years old, four years old just a tiny little squirt, with eyes so big and so many questions about the world. I had no idea what was in store for my childhood until one day a man did something to me that no man should ever do to a four year old little girl. That moment in time, that moment in my history changed my life forever.
For 7 years there on, I tried to be invisible to this man, for 7 years I suffered at his hands, listening to his destructive words, dealing with his disgusting touch.
I was alone and I NEW it.
what to do?
where to turn?
who to tell?
No one!!!!!!!
This man would tell me things like...(THIS IS OUR SECRET)
It was my fault this was happening,
I was the one who was doing the wrong,
I would be punished,
I would become unloved,
I would be nothing to my parents if I spoke of this,
they would no longer love me,
I would have disappointed them,
I would have shamed them,
This is what this man would say to me, every time he had me, I heard them loud and clear.
Programming.
This is what was programmed into my tiny little mind by this man, I would be to blame.
I kept quite, I did not want my parents to not love me, I loved them and if I was to be blamed for all this that was happening, I could not bear that. If I was to defend my innocence how could I compete with the word of this man whom my parents had no reason not to believe as he was so much older, that's what I thought as a child. I believed the words this man said to me why wouldn't I?. I lived with this fear.
I felt sick................
I betrayed myself,
I shamed myself,
I unloved myself, by not saying a word to anyone.
I was four years old, this continue until I was eleven years old, when one day I woke up to the fact that I could stop this from happening by staying well out of arms reach. I realised I had the power to stop this molestation by not being in a position where he could get to me alone. It took me 7 years to realise that I had this power inside of me, that I had this ability to have control of not being in a position where I had to be alone with this man. When you are small you are powerless but when you get older you start to think things out, you start to think of strategies that can keep you safe.
This is what was programmed into my tiny little mind by this man, I would be to blame.
I kept quite, I did not want my parents to not love me, I loved them and if I was to be blamed for all this that was happening, I could not bear that. If I was to defend my innocence how could I compete with the word of this man whom my parents had no reason not to believe as he was so much older, that's what I thought as a child. I believed the words this man said to me why wouldn't I?. I lived with this fear.
I felt sick................
I betrayed myself,
I shamed myself,
I unloved myself, by not saying a word to anyone.
I was four years old, this continue until I was eleven years old, when one day I woke up to the fact that I could stop this from happening by staying well out of arms reach. I realised I had the power to stop this molestation by not being in a position where he could get to me alone. It took me 7 years to realise that I had this power inside of me, that I had this ability to have control of not being in a position where I had to be alone with this man. When you are small you are powerless but when you get older you start to think things out, you start to think of strategies that can keep you safe.
Strength.
It stopped, it never happened again because I did not let a moment take place where he was in a position where he and I were alone.
It stopped that sounds like such a celebration, but the feeling of self betrayal, shame, and quilt that never stopped. Memories still beneath the surface today. There is that one question I always ask WHY? I have asked that question more times than you could possibly imagine.
WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?
WHY DID YOU TAKE MY CHILDHOOD FROM ME?
WHY DID YOU HURT ME THIS WAY?
WHY DID YOU TORTURE ME WITH MENTAL/EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION?
WHAT GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO DO THIS TO ME?!!!!!
I see you now, you have your own family, your children. What would they think of you if they knew what you did all those years ago to a small child?
It stopped, it never happened again because I did not let a moment take place where he was in a position where he and I were alone.
It stopped that sounds like such a celebration, but the feeling of self betrayal, shame, and quilt that never stopped. Memories still beneath the surface today. There is that one question I always ask WHY? I have asked that question more times than you could possibly imagine.
WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?
WHY DID YOU TAKE MY CHILDHOOD FROM ME?
WHY DID YOU HURT ME THIS WAY?
WHY DID YOU TORTURE ME WITH MENTAL/EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION?
WHAT GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO DO THIS TO ME?!!!!!
I see you now, you have your own family, your children. What would they think of you if they knew what you did all those years ago to a small child?
What would you do if someone touched, manipulated and tortured your children the way you did this to me?
How would that make you feel?
Did you do this to your children?
Do your children carry around with them the same secrets I have carried around for all these years?
I cried myself to sleep every night for 7 years and many years after that. I trembled in my bed at night thinking about what would happen if my parents found out, they would not love me anymore. You twisted my mind, you darkened my thoughts, just for your pleasure.
Just a puppet.
You danced me like a puppet on a string to achieve all your perverted desires, you wired my mouth shut with fear. You broke my heart into pieces with the guilt and shame you pounded into my head, you filled my life with fear of never being loved.
You stole from me my childhood, for that I really do hate you.
My mind has envisioned a hundred ways of how to finally confront you for what you did.
You danced me like a puppet on a string to achieve all your perverted desires, you wired my mouth shut with fear. You broke my heart into pieces with the guilt and shame you pounded into my head, you filled my life with fear of never being loved.
You stole from me my childhood, for that I really do hate you.
My mind has envisioned a hundred ways of how to finally confront you for what you did.
The night mare of living with guilt and shame.
A frightened little girl would cry silently for her mum every night
I wanted to know where she was when I needed her the most?
Why did she not see what was going on?
Why did she not stop what was going on.
I believed your parents protected you from bad things.
My mother never stopped what was going on, because she had no idea what was happening to me
I never blamed my parents for the events that took place, how could I, they had absolutely no idea of what was happening to me, it was just one of those horrible nightmares that happen in life.
I wanted to tell her what was going on so much, but this monster had programmed me into thinking that if I told my mother/father what was going on, they would not love me anymore (so without them knowing they could not stop it.)
As Adult
I find what he said to me as a child so disturbing even now as an adult.
Who says shit like that to a small child, of course a predator does, a pedophile does.
(a psychosexual disorder, generally affecting adults, characterized by sexual interest in prepubescent children or attempts to engage in sexual acts with prepubescent children.)
They groom you, they know your weakness, they know just how to manipulate your mind, they are a Narcissist only interested in their own sexual gratification. You don't matter to them, your inner being is irrelevant, all that matters is their satisfaction.
This is what I have come to understand how the mind of a pedophile. works, it makes me sick that there are people like that out there, that have no regard for another human being, no limits to getting what they want..
I don’t think any of us will ever know the answer to the question Why? apart from what we know about how the predator mind works.
I hope this has helped you express in some small part what you are going through.
I would like to say that you and I are better people because of what happened to us, as insane as that sounds, you and I have become more compassionate and understanding people because of what we have been through..I hope that's the case anyway.
love and light to all my comrades in this war of stopping pedophile Molesters.
People who have contacted me and requested that they also be apart of sexual assault prevention.
Thank you to the people acknowledging the need.
www.bicyclehealth.com/blog/sexual-abuse-assault#whatarethedifferenttypesofsexualassault
cutterlaw.com/sexual-assault-ride-sharing-guide/
I find what he said to me as a child so disturbing even now as an adult.
Who says shit like that to a small child, of course a predator does, a pedophile does.
(a psychosexual disorder, generally affecting adults, characterized by sexual interest in prepubescent children or attempts to engage in sexual acts with prepubescent children.)
They groom you, they know your weakness, they know just how to manipulate your mind, they are a Narcissist only interested in their own sexual gratification. You don't matter to them, your inner being is irrelevant, all that matters is their satisfaction.
This is what I have come to understand how the mind of a pedophile. works, it makes me sick that there are people like that out there, that have no regard for another human being, no limits to getting what they want..
I don’t think any of us will ever know the answer to the question Why? apart from what we know about how the predator mind works.
I hope this has helped you express in some small part what you are going through.
I would like to say that you and I are better people because of what happened to us, as insane as that sounds, you and I have become more compassionate and understanding people because of what we have been through..I hope that's the case anyway.
love and light to all my comrades in this war of stopping pedophile Molesters.
People who have contacted me and requested that they also be apart of sexual assault prevention.
Thank you to the people acknowledging the need.
www.bicyclehealth.com/blog/sexual-abuse-assault#whatarethedifferenttypesofsexualassault
cutterlaw.com/sexual-assault-ride-sharing-guide/
