For Those Who Have Suffered Molestation -This Is Your Voice
This is a article for all of you who have suffered molestation, for you who have suffered in silence. I am writing this as your voice to tell the world how you feel. I am telling those that you love what you went through, I am your voice through my own experience.
Just a child.
For Those Who Have Suffered Molestation -This Is Your Voice
All I wanted was to scream to the world what was going on, but I couldn’t.
All I wanted was to tell someone what this person was doing to me, but I couldn't
All I wanted was to disappear so they could not see me, but I couldn’t
All I wanted was for someone to help me, but they couldn’t
When I say 7 years of molestation it sounds like such a long time, trust me it was, but it’s nothing compared to the life sentence you get with the fact that you have to live with these thoughts and memories for the rest of your life.
For Those Who Have Suffered Molestation -This Is Your Voice
All I wanted was to scream to the world what was going on, but I couldn’t.
All I wanted was to tell someone what this person was doing to me, but I couldn't
All I wanted was to disappear so they could not see me, but I couldn’t
All I wanted was for someone to help me, but they couldn’t
When I say 7 years of molestation it sounds like such a long time, trust me it was, but it’s nothing compared to the life sentence you get with the fact that you have to live with these thoughts and memories for the rest of your life.
My Childhood.
I lost my childhood,
I lost my sweet innocence
I lost the carefree thoughts of a child
I lost myself, somewhere, some place.
I lost myself somewhere in those years of Molestation, I lost that little girl that was inside of me and instead it was replaced with something else, something numb, something broken.
It was replaced with darkness, sadness, pain, fear, guilt, hatred, and loneliness. I grew up alone, my thoughts were private, I exaggerated my laughter to hide the tears, my private mind was hurting so much, I felt like I was dying.
I survived.
I am older in my years now and everyday life still reminds me of what happened to me as a child. I have tried to forgive this man for what he did to me, simply for my own peace of mind, but I am still filled with ONE question. This is a question I will never have an answer to….. WHY?
I lost my childhood,
I lost my sweet innocence
I lost the carefree thoughts of a child
I lost myself, somewhere, some place.
I lost myself somewhere in those years of Molestation, I lost that little girl that was inside of me and instead it was replaced with something else, something numb, something broken.
It was replaced with darkness, sadness, pain, fear, guilt, hatred, and loneliness. I grew up alone, my thoughts were private, I exaggerated my laughter to hide the tears, my private mind was hurting so much, I felt like I was dying.
I survived.
I am older in my years now and everyday life still reminds me of what happened to me as a child. I have tried to forgive this man for what he did to me, simply for my own peace of mind, but I am still filled with ONE question. This is a question I will never have an answer to….. WHY?
Why.
I was four years old, four years old just a tiny little squirt, with eyes so big and so many questions about the world. I had no idea what was in store for my childhood until one day a man did something to me that no man should ever do to a four year old little girl. That moment in time, that moment in my history changed my life forever. For 7 years there on, I tried to be invisible to this man, for 7 years I suffered at his hands, listening to his destructive words, dealing with his disgusting touch.
I was alone and I NEW it.
what to do?
where to turn?
who to tell?
No one
This man would tell me things like...(THIS IS OUR SECRET)
It was my fault this was happening,
I was the one who was doing the wrong,
I would be punished,
I would become unloved,
I would be nothing to my parents if I spoke of this,
they would no longer love me,
I would have disappointed them,
I would have shamed them,
This is what this man would say to me, every time he looked at me, he didn't have to open his mouth, it's how he made me feel.
Programming.
This is what was programmed into my tiny little mind by this man, I would be to blame.
I kept quite, I did not want my parents to know of what was happening, I loved them and if I was to be blamed for all this that was happening, I could not bear that. If I was to defend my innocence how could I compete with the word of this man, whom my parents had no reason not to believe as he was the adult, that's what I thought...
I betrayed myself,
I shamed myself,
I unloved myself, by not saying a word to anyone.
I was four years old and I let this continue until I was eleven years old, when one day I woke up to the fact that I could stop this from happening by staying well out of arms reach. I realised I had the power to stop this molestation by not being in a position where he could get to me alone. It took me 7 years to realise that I had this power inside of me, that I had this ability to have control of not being in a position where I had to be alone with this man. When you are small you are powerless but when you get older you start to think things out, you start to think of strategies that can keep you safe.
This is what was programmed into my tiny little mind by this man, I would be to blame.
I kept quite, I did not want my parents to know of what was happening, I loved them and if I was to be blamed for all this that was happening, I could not bear that. If I was to defend my innocence how could I compete with the word of this man, whom my parents had no reason not to believe as he was the adult, that's what I thought...
I betrayed myself,
I shamed myself,
I unloved myself, by not saying a word to anyone.
I was four years old and I let this continue until I was eleven years old, when one day I woke up to the fact that I could stop this from happening by staying well out of arms reach. I realised I had the power to stop this molestation by not being in a position where he could get to me alone. It took me 7 years to realise that I had this power inside of me, that I had this ability to have control of not being in a position where I had to be alone with this man. When you are small you are powerless but when you get older you start to think things out, you start to think of strategies that can keep you safe.
Strength.
It stopped, it never happened again because I did not let a moment take place where he was in a position where he and I were alone.
It stopped that sounds like such a celebration, but the feeling of self betrayal, shame, and quilt that never stopped. Memories still beneath the surface today. There is that one question I always ask WHY? I have asked that question more times than you could possibly imagine.
WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?
WHY DID YOU TAKE MY CHILDHOOD FROM ME?
WHY DID YOU HURT ME THIS WAY?
WHY DID YOU TORTURE ME WITH MENTAL/EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION?
WHAT GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO DO THIS TO ME?
I see you now, you have your own family, your children. What would they think of you if they knew what you did all those years ago to a small child?
It stopped, it never happened again because I did not let a moment take place where he was in a position where he and I were alone.
It stopped that sounds like such a celebration, but the feeling of self betrayal, shame, and quilt that never stopped. Memories still beneath the surface today. There is that one question I always ask WHY? I have asked that question more times than you could possibly imagine.
WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?
WHY DID YOU TAKE MY CHILDHOOD FROM ME?
WHY DID YOU HURT ME THIS WAY?
WHY DID YOU TORTURE ME WITH MENTAL/EMOTIONAL MANIPULATION?
WHAT GAVE YOU THE RIGHT TO DO THIS TO ME?
I see you now, you have your own family, your children. What would they think of you if they knew what you did all those years ago to a small child?
What would you do if someone touched, manipulated and tortured your children the way you did this to me?
How would that make you feel?
Did you do this to your children?
Do your children carry around with them the same secrets I have carried around for all these years?
I cried myself to sleep for 7 years. I trembled in my bed at night thinking about what would happen if my parents found out, they would not love me anymore. You twisted my mind, you darkened my thoughts, just for your pleasure.
Just a puppet.
You danced me like a puppet on a string to achieve all your perverted desires, you wired my mouth shut with fear. You broke my heart into pieces with the guilt and shame you pounded into my head, you filled my life with fear of never being loved.
You stole from me my childhood, for that I really do hate you.
My mind has envisioned a hundred ways of how to finally confront you for what you did.
You danced me like a puppet on a string to achieve all your perverted desires, you wired my mouth shut with fear. You broke my heart into pieces with the guilt and shame you pounded into my head, you filled my life with fear of never being loved.
You stole from me my childhood, for that I really do hate you.
My mind has envisioned a hundred ways of how to finally confront you for what you did.
Time.
In order to face this situation when I got older, I did a rebirthing session which is an experience of going back to your birth. It was a traumatic experience that I do not recommend unless you are with proven experienced people who know what they are doing.
The goal is to end up in a hypnotic state, where you are pushed back to your birth experience and than moved forward to find the most underlying issue in your life that needs resolving.
Of course I knew what mine was and thought I was totally ready to face what had happened to me.
The issue came to the surface, I was expecting all the horrid feelings of shame, quilt, anger and pain that I had bottled up towards this man to spill out on to the floor like a volcano spilling it’s guts, and that’s just what happened, but something else happened also.
In order to face this situation when I got older, I did a rebirthing session which is an experience of going back to your birth. It was a traumatic experience that I do not recommend unless you are with proven experienced people who know what they are doing.
The goal is to end up in a hypnotic state, where you are pushed back to your birth experience and than moved forward to find the most underlying issue in your life that needs resolving.
Of course I knew what mine was and thought I was totally ready to face what had happened to me.
The issue came to the surface, I was expecting all the horrid feelings of shame, quilt, anger and pain that I had bottled up towards this man to spill out on to the floor like a volcano spilling it’s guts, and that’s just what happened, but something else happened also.
A frightened little girl came to the surface to be heard, she had something to say. she came out crying for Her mum, SHE/I came out crying angrily to my mum.
I wanted to know where she was when I needed her the most?
Why did she not see what was going on?
Why did she not stop what was going on.
I was in some form blaming her because when you are four years old, you think your mum knows everything, they protect you from bad things.
My mother never stopped what was going on, because she had no idea what was happening.
I had know idea I was mad at my mother, in this experience I discovered I was mad at the fact that I could not tell her what was happening.
I wanted to tell her what was going on so much, but this monster had programmed me into thinking that if I told my mother/father what was going on, they would not love me anymore.
I wanted to know where she was when I needed her the most?
Why did she not see what was going on?
Why did she not stop what was going on.
I was in some form blaming her because when you are four years old, you think your mum knows everything, they protect you from bad things.
My mother never stopped what was going on, because she had no idea what was happening.
I had know idea I was mad at my mother, in this experience I discovered I was mad at the fact that I could not tell her what was happening.
I wanted to tell her what was going on so much, but this monster had programmed me into thinking that if I told my mother/father what was going on, they would not love me anymore.
I found it disturbing that buried deep inside me was a part of me that blamed my parents for not be able to see what was going on.
I was angry at them, they were my parents, they know everything, why did they not stop this?
I knew they did not know what was going on, but still I wanted them to stop what was happening to me all the same.
I couldn’t believe what I had experienced. I was filled with sadness that I had this anger towards my mum that I didn’t even know I had, but needless to say those feelings were short lived, they just needed some form of expression.
I never blamed my parents for the events that took place, how could I, they had absolutely no idea of what was happening to me, it was just one of those horrible things that happen in life.
I do not understand how the mind of a pedophile. works and I choose not to know, but still that one question lingers, WHY?
I don’t think any of us will ever know the answer to that question and if we did, would it even make any difference?
I hope I have helped you express in some small part what you are going through. I would like to say that you and I are better people because of what happened to us, as far away as that sounds insane, you and I have become more compassionate and understanding people because of what we have been through..
love and light to all my comrades in this war of stopping pedophile Molesters.
I was angry at them, they were my parents, they know everything, why did they not stop this?
I knew they did not know what was going on, but still I wanted them to stop what was happening to me all the same.
I couldn’t believe what I had experienced. I was filled with sadness that I had this anger towards my mum that I didn’t even know I had, but needless to say those feelings were short lived, they just needed some form of expression.
I never blamed my parents for the events that took place, how could I, they had absolutely no idea of what was happening to me, it was just one of those horrible things that happen in life.
I do not understand how the mind of a pedophile. works and I choose not to know, but still that one question lingers, WHY?
I don’t think any of us will ever know the answer to that question and if we did, would it even make any difference?
I hope I have helped you express in some small part what you are going through. I would like to say that you and I are better people because of what happened to us, as far away as that sounds insane, you and I have become more compassionate and understanding people because of what we have been through..
love and light to all my comrades in this war of stopping pedophile Molesters.
